Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
