i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
