i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
