I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
