it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
