i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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