I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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