When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
