I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
