i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You can't just leave with hair like that
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
