I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
