no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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