Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
