If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
