ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
