Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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