just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
