he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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