You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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