I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
