I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
