Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
