my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
