I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize