I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Randomize
