I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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