I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
