So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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