her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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