I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
