Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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