I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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