i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
