Banned from zoo.
Again?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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