I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
