Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
