im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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