loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
