So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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