Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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