All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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