I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sorry about my life...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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