shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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