i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize