dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
