Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
