How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
