hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
