every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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