um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
