"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
God gave him joint rollers for hands
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
