Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
