i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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