You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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