I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
