All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
