somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
