im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
